Getting Shit Straight & Divvying up the Kids
By admin | October 19, 2010
So, by the end of January Mama pretty much decided that no matter what Dad did, she wasn’t taking him back. He said he was gonna see a counselor, said he was gonna take some time for himself, said a bunch of shit that was, well, bullshit.
She got an appraisal on the house and he agreed to take his name off the deed. Sounds simple, right? Not. At. All. Since they weren’t married there was a bunch of legal crapola they’ve had to navigate, but Mama got a super cool old hippie guy lawyer named Jay to look out for her. Hopefully Dad’s name will be off the deed by the end of October. Yeah, you read that right, it’s been 9 months and it’s still not done.
So if any of your parents are thinking about buying a house together and they’re not married - tell ‘em not to do it! It’s a cluster-fuck if they break up. And I know that nobody buys a house with their lovey thinking they’re gonna break up, but dude, shit happens.
Anyway, so it was quiet in the house with just Mama during February, but Dad would come over to feed us dinner and hang out on nights Mama had class, so that was okay. But by the end of February it was clear that Dad’s name wouldn’t be off the deed any time soon and he couldn’t afford to keep paying his half of the house stuff AND rent for his apartment AND probably spend money on his skank too.
Mama didn’t really give a shit about that stuff, but she does have a little compassion and she was kinda lonely, so guess what? My most favorite Aunt Sarah moved in with us! I was crazy excited! Just so happened that she broke up with a butthead she was living with around that exact time!
BUT - since our little family was officially busted up, I lost my little dog sis Trudy and little cat sis Maggie in the process. I know it sounds sad, but I never really got along that good with Trudy anyway and Maggie was a complete bitch most of the time, so I was mostly like, “Eh whatev, more attention for me.”
However, I gained a HUGE orange cat bro named Draco. He was my cousin, but now he’s my bro cause we live together. Only problem is that he hates me. And he’s kicked my ass on numerous occasions. So, like, I love him, but am kinda scared of him.
See that gray cat in the pic? That’s a normal-sized cat, like 9 pounds. See Draco? He’s fucking gigantic! So don’t make fun of me for being scared of a kitty cat, he’s a bruiser and weighs almost as much as me, probably more!
Topics: Family, Things That Annoy Me, Why I Love My Mama | 7 Comments »
Taking Care of Mama
By admin | October 17, 2010
In those first couple weeks lots of great people helped me to take care of Mama. Her friends brought her chocolate and wine, took her out, and shared their own stories of assholes who cheated on them. Family members invited her to spend a weekend at their little house in the woods. Great Aunt June made homemade scrapple for her and her fave strawberry rhubarb pie.
But my most favorite Aunt Sarah was the true hero. She might as well have had a cape on. She was with Mama almost 24/7, trying to make her eat, doing some impressive Facebook stalking, leaving loud nasty messages on dad’s phone, and threatening to beat the piss outta dad’s whore. Which I believe she totally would have done if Mama would have given her the OK. Aunt Sarah is kind of a bad ass.
Aunt Sarah also provided Mama with all the necessities of dealing with a break-up from an asshole. Take note ladies, these items are required for the Lying Cheating Piece of Shit First-Aid Kit and should always be kept on hand in case of emergency.
- Alcohol - Mama prefers wine, but any kind will do. Whiskey is also good.
- Cigarettes - and plenty of ‘em.
- Chocolate - it was the only solid food she’d eat for a while.
- Boost or Ensure - because Mama couldn’t eat, Aunt Sarah made her drink these to get some vitamins in her.
- Xanax, Ativan, or Klonopin - relieves anxiety and knocked Mama out cold so she could get some sleep.
- Funny movies that have NO romance in them.
- The movie Waiting to Exhale - you can watch the scene of Angela Bassett torching her husband’s car over and over and over again while concocting wild revenge fantasies.
- Fuck You Music - try Cher, Mary J. Blige, Queen Latifah, Donna Summer, and of course Gloria Gaynor. Very empowering.
Here’s one of MY favorites - Goodbye to You by Scandal
You guys have any suggestions on what else should be included in the Lying Cheating Piece of Shit First-Aid Kit? Or know any other good Fuck You break-up songs?
Topics: Family, WTF? | 5 Comments »
The Fallout
By admin | October 15, 2010
Okay, so after Mama came back to the house me & my sisters were all like “what the hell?” She didn’t explain much, but did begin to pack up all my dad’s shit in big black trash bags. Then the two of them had The Conversation.
Not sure how many of you know what The Conversation is, but it’s loooonngg and LOUD and includes lots of bad words. Maybe some of your parents had one at some point? You should ask them, it makes a pretty good tale.
There was a bunch of stuff said like
- I just don’t know what I want
- Well, I’m not gonna compete with some skanky whore
- But I love you
- Then stop seeing the whore
- I don’t know if I can do that
- Then you best get the fuck outta my house until you figure it out
- Ok
- Ok, here sign this
- What’s that?
- It’s an agreement that you’ll still pay your half of our mortgage and other house expenses until your name is removed from the deed
- I’m not signing shit
- The fuck you’re not, I’m not gonna let you fuck me over twice
- No
- Sign it
- Fine (signs it, gets up to leave)
- Before you go, take off that jacket (Mama bought Dad a new bomber jacket for Christmas)
- What? Why?
- I gave that to you out of love while you were seeing her, so take it off. I’m not dressing you up for your whore
- (Stands there with dumb look, then takes the jacket off)
During The Conversation, Mama’s phone was blowing up, as everyone knew it was taking place and wanted to make sure she was okay… and that she didn’t stab him to death. Her best guy friend, Rick, who’s like her big brother, even drove 45 minutes to sit at a bar near where we live, just in case she needed him.
Mama sure is lucky to have so many friends who love her and my most favorite Aunt Sarah and of course ME. She spent a lot of time snuggling me and nuzzling her snotty face in the back of my neck, her favorite spot.
Topics: Family, Things That Annoy Me, WTF? | 5 Comments »